Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is a event about love when you go on a date with your love interest and plan to give them a gift (like a box of chocolates). Valentines day (also known as V-Day or Emo Poem day) signals the start of the human mating season. Around February 14th, females of the human race release a hormone, attracting males from all over.

The Cupid

Cupid, the perennial emblem of Valentine's Day, is the mischievous and voyeuristic cherub who, with his Bow of Blinding, has wrongly linked more hapless couples together than angry farmers with shotguns. He enjoys a far better reputation than he deserves owing to the human habit of crediting the person who introduced a happy new couple to each other, but forgetting who that person was by the time it all ends in tears.

Since a recent statistical analysis showed definitively that less than 5% of relationships actually last long enough to be rewarding, Cupid's heretofore legendary aim and foresight has been debunked, exposing him as little more than an arbitrary sniper with an obsolete weapon.

As the ranks of the romantically ruined continue to grow due to Cupid's ceaseless depridations it has reached a kind of critical mass, as Egypt has. Once thought of as an immutable fixture that had to be tolerated, Cupid (the Mubarak of love) is now seen as vulnerable. His days are numbered; there's a price on the little bastard's head and a number of 'unlucky at love' angry and well-armed celebrities actively hunting for him.

The Valentine's Poem

Since the dawn of time, men have been plagued by the dilemma of how to get girls to spread their legs without expressing their feelings. Early attempts involved springs, car jacks, and possibly the most unsuccessful invention of all time: the wheel. Finally, a man named George Washington Carver managed to bust a nut without cracking his outer shell by inventing the Valentine's Poem.

The Valentine's Poem enables men to avoid writing a truly heartfelt poem by using the well known "roses are red" template. It uses an incredibly complex meter, which Albert Einstein once calculated to be a mathematical paradox. This is the brilliance of the Valentine's Poem. While a girl reading the poem experiences a tender feeling, that feeling is actually hollow since the poem does not actually exist.

Here are a couple of examples of successful Valentine's Poems:

Roses are red

Violets Are Blue

All my base

Are belong to you

- Badly Translated Game Designer From Tokyo

Roses are red

Violets are blue

In Soviet Russia

POEMS WRITE YOU!

- Russians

Here is an example of an unsuccessful Valentine's Poem.

Oi, you!

Come 'ere so I can impregnate yer!

- CHAV